Fatherhood

I've been a father for four and a half years and a father of two for almost a week. On this journey that I am creating, fatherhood is by far the most challenging part.  Even more challenging than engaging in a relationship.  Or a partnership.  If you think about it, all engagements involve a relationshipm including (especially) raising a child.  Communing with the world involves relating to it through the context of the experience of ourselfs.  And through this trip of fatherhood, I'm learning so much about myself.  It hasn't always been pretty.

I've fathered two boys.  Both times we expected girls and were surprised by a penis and scrotum.   I was almost scared when the first was born, so insecure was I with my manhood that i had no clue how I was going to show this little boy how to be a man.  I've come to realise that the more challenging part is to wade through all my shit to show him how to be a person.  A kind and compassionate member of society.

He's gonna figure out how to be a man all right.  I've come to learn that the world is a pretty lucky place to have me as this child's manly role-model.  I'm a pretty sensitive and caring man.  I've come to take it as an honor to be his role model as he's grown into the boy he is today.

Now that i've co-created a second boy, it feels like i've been given a second chance.  I can't take away all of the shit I've dumped on the first.  But I can certainly see how it happened and avoid a lot of the turmoil that I already see Him struggling with.  It's an incredible learning experience, as I said.  And as it's happening, I'm growing so much myself.  There is a reason why most of us are wired to procreate and I think it's for much the same reason that a lot of us go to church or are seeking that divine presence.